Stathole Sports ETF Mutual Fund Of "Boring" Sports Bets Shareholder Report

Stathole4/21/2025 1:50 PM

Jesse D. Garrabrant. Getty Images.

Welcome Stathole Sports ETF shareholders - I hope this report finds you well. This will be the first of hopefully many reports that recap how the fund is doing and keeps you abreast of its holdings and future growth strategies. If you for whatever reason received this email by mistake, let's just turn that into an opportunity to join this ETF. And to be clear, I am VERY much stretching, if not outright abusing, the word opportunity here.

The idea is simple. We have a goal to beat the S&P 500 with (what you soon learn is anything but) a portfolio of extremely boring sports bets. Like betting the Cavs and Celtics to make the finals so that if one ticket loses the other will almost certainly win ($100 split 65/35 ends up paying out like $7 in winnings once accounting for the other lost ticket).

Read more about it here my gracious wrong email getters…

As for anyone sick enough to actually tail this nonsense - I am happy to report that in the first few days we are in the black! Up a grand total of $3.88. That's what we are all about here at Stathole Sports ETF. Gradual. Growth. We don't need to hit the lotto on +1250 parlays the books want you to make. Our team (me) uses sophisticated technology to find bets we can almost guarantee no one else in their right mind would ever make. Maybe that's the secret to winning? Small and steady wins the race. But it takes discipline and emotionless tactics to accomplish this. And for that reason - I am BEGGING you to not continue reading the details of the hell we just went through to grow the fund by $3.88. While it is my fiduciary responsibility to divulge, it is not your obligation to read…

This is the part where you leave.

We start with the NBA play-in and stick with NBA for the time being as every single post-season game was part of the portfolio so far and will probably continue to be moving forward. With the Cavs/Celtics future marinating in growth sauce, we needed some day-trade positions to move in and out of.

Orlando to make playoffs -750: CASHED ($1.33 growth)

Miami to miss the playoffs - 425 LOST ($10 loss)

While Orlando stepped up for us, I will raise my hand and take the L on Miami seeing as how I should have foreseen them playing Atlanta in the final play-in. The last position you ever want to be as an investor and fake steward of others capitol is betting on Trae Young. My bad fam. I'll do better.

Let's now move on to probably the toughest $5.31 anyone in the history of sports betting ever won.

Part 1 - ATL/MIA

OK seriously - never again depending on Trae Young, but at least we snuck one out here. Losing a +14.5 bet on any overtime game would just be tough. Heart got going on this one which is not what is supposed to happen on these boring bets. Was pretty sure that would just be a blip on this otherwise boring parlay radar.

Part 2 - Dallas +20.5

Down 17 early in the third quarter was not the feeling I wanted. But it was a familiar feeling. And one that would not improve with 5 minutes left and the same deficit. But credit to Nico Harrison for being an organization leader who's team wouldn't quit on as they were able to end things only losing by 14. Bravo team. All we needed.

Certainly the heart rate would normalize from here…

Part 3 - Bucks +20.5

I spent much time checking in on this game on my phone as I was hiking in Sedona as any portfolio manager does to escape the hustle and bustle of asset management life. And I was not impressed to see the Bucks down 24 at halftime. You see - when you tease an underdog that's +6.5 up to 20.5, you are looking for an easy win. The idea is to exchange a bigger return for peace of mind and not swearing under your breath so your 3-year old hiking next to you doesn't hear you. It's not watching Pascal Siakam drain two free throws with a minute left to make it a 22-point lead. And it's definitely not having to depend on a Pat Connaughton come in during garbage time to hit a three-pointer with 25 seconds left to save your sorry parlay to fight for it's last leg.

Seriously?

Whatever - one more to go. Smooth sailing now.

Part 4 - Pistons +17.5

I think the worst part of the first three legs each individually giving me a heart attack is that I knew I was absolutely the only idiot on the face of the planet going through it. But with one boring leg of the parlay left, we were absolutely due for an easy stress free cap on the four-game parlay. And that was exactly how I felt watching this game from tip-off until the fourth quarter. Until it wasn't…

Luckily things tempered off from there and the Pistons only lost by 11. But watching them go from up eight to down 13 without scoring a point in MSG did not make me feel amazing about the final four minutes to come. And let's not forget to consider all the PTSD from legs 1-3 to deal with as well. But somehow. Someway. We survived.

And that is the story of the most stressful $5.31 anyone ever won betting on sports. Excuse me, investing.

Giphy Images.

Since we lost $10 from the fund on the stupid Heat making the playoffs, I did what any good financial asset manager does and threw money at the problem to make it go away. $80 on this three-gamer that teased alternate bets as ridiculously safe as they could be set for the prospect of winning $15.23. Less than a fourth of the initial investment. And you know what? Two of these legs were no sweat. The other was Denver/LAC +201.5:

Now for those just looking at the 112-110 final score that didn't watch the game, you are missing the fact that this game had to go to overtime for me to have any chance on hitting what, alone, started as a -1380 bet. Fast forward to 33.1 seconds left and a 96-95 Clippers lead. For those not scoring at home that's a total of 191. 10.5 off the mark with half a minute left. Then my hero made his first of two key plays to save me.

Russell Westbrook. A hero to literally no one. Was my hero that night. One of the least clutch players in the history of basketball drained a three to give the Nuggets a 98-96 lead. Forcing the Clippers to score next with an invitation to go for two. Harden then does his job as a solid side-kick in tying the game giving me renewed life. Then my hero made his second key play. Westbrook fumbled the ball away as time expired like some kid in Y-Ball that had no idea how much time was left on the clock. It was beautiful. It led to the only thing that would save us.

Overtime. Cash it baby.

Let's move on to Easter Sunday. We started off down real bad as this $40 ticket was ripped to shreds by the sad grizzly bears of Memphis in this perhaps most ridiculous parlay you will ever see in your entire life.

But what did we learn before? When we have problems, what do we throw at them???

Stathole ETF is risen!

And that my good shareholders, is the longest story ever to end in winning just $3.88. I'm sorry, GROWTH. Winning $3.88 is super lame. But when you say growth, that makes it better. More distinguished. Sustainable. Responsible. So long as you didn't just read the path we took to get here. Better to just look at the numbers after the fact. You just carry on. I'll be in the boiler room (OK maybe a bad financial management analogy) doing the grunt work.

More plays to cook up today. Safe to say we will have exposure in every NBA playoff game in some way.

- Regards,

@Stathole