My 24-Hour Experience As A Woman Online

Every day I wake up and thank God for making me a man. Seriously. The thought of having to wake up every morning, do your hair, put on makeup, and then once a month bleed out of your vagina? Terrifying. I genuinely could never do it.

Sure, being a woman has its perks- you get into places for free, you rarely pay for drinks or dates, and people just kind of assume you’re more put together than you actually are. But after living 24 hours in what I can only describe as "female simulation mode," I’m here to say, y’all deserve everything. And then some.

So here’s what happened. Ella and I just launched a show together, and to get the audience involved, I posted an “Ask Me Anything” on Instagram and tagged her in it. She reposted it to her story, and suddenly my phone was lighting up like the goal horn at a hockey game. I’m talking nonstop notifications.

At first, I was confused. I was like, “Do I look gay? Do this many dudes want to sleep with me? Why are they telling me my ass is fat?” But then I realized, everyone thought their replies were going to Ella. Spoiler alert: they were going to me.

And for the next 24 hours, I got a front-row seat to the wild, unfiltered chaos of a woman’s DMs. Straight-up horny dudes, cringe pickup lines, compliments that felt more threatening than flattering. It was horrifying. I felt violated, confused, and a little flattered but mostly just disturbed.

I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Seriously, ladies, how do you deal with that every single day? Between the creeps online, the monthly cycle, the heels, the bras, the labor pains, the societal pressure to look flawless, y’all are playing life on Heisman mode.

So to all the women out there: I salute you. I could never. I’ll stick to my two-in-one shampoo, beard hair in the sink, loose fitting pants, and peace of mind, thank you very much.

God bless y’all for being stronger than us men. You’re the real MVPs.