2025 NFL Draft Player Name Evaluation And History Report (Jalens And Jrs. Are Taking Over, A New Law Firm Running Back, And Shedeur Sander's Rank In Highest Drafted Name That Starts With "She")
Stacy Revere. Getty Images.The best part of the NFL draft is that no one really knows shit about fuck. That's just the fact. Is Cam Ward going to be a franchise quarterback just because he went #1 overall? No clue. We don't know. The Mel Kipers and Toddy McShay's don't know. The teams don't know. No one knows. That's what makes the draft so fun. Especially after it's done and everyone can congregate in their respective team's silo of propaganda to get pumped for the season.
Take my Bears for example. While I'm relieved we didn't trade up for a running back in a deep running back class, I was disappointed to see the offensive linemen we had a relative chance at go chalk ahead of us. But hearing Colston Loveland was Ben Johnson's top tight end in a deep tight end class has me thinking of what we can do now with Loveland and Kmet. Certainly nothing has ever gone wrong with having two elite tight ends. Then there's the Missouri wide receiver Luther Burden III who I heard would have gone top-ten overall had he the quarterback from the 2023 season. Mizzou fans commented everywhere that this guy was locked up on a meager offense and so did fans of conference rivals.
So while NFL writers are out there penning post-draft grades to evaluate how closely teams performed according to that writer's mock draft, let's evaluate the draft through the lens of what we do know. The only thing we know.
The player's names. Let's not judge a book by it's cover. But by it's title. I did a blog on this same idea couple years ago so let's bring it back.
The Jalen Rose Phenomenon remains elite
Seven phonetic Jalen's in the 2025 draft. That's crazy and it's all thanks to Jalen Rose's mom (RIP indeed) as evident by my graph of Jalen's to play in the NFL sorted by birth date. There's existing research on this topic but Jalen was part of the Fab-5 at Michigan in the early 90s which tracks right with the start of the Jalen bump. FYI - it looks like my regex let a Jalil Brown (1989) slip through the cracks. Also, I think I forgot to remove special characters so switch him out for Ja'Lynn Polk and let's call it even. Of the newbies added, I like Jalen Rivers the most. No clue what position he plays, I'm just looking at the graph above. But Jalen Rivers flows off the tongue.
Never mind. I just looked it up. He's an offensive lineman. Not a good "River" position. You don't want to be something one can flow through. He needs to switch to running back. Plus, that way every boomer announcer can think they're super clever and yell "AND A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT" when he breaks one loose.
Shedeur Sanders was the third player to be drafted with a first name that starts with "She"
In Shedeur's defense, he wasn't the last. Shemar James went a bit after at #152 to Cincinnati. But this was obviously the story of the draft for what some thought could be a top-ten pick. I feel for guys like Jordan James and others drafted right after him that you'd never have known were drafted if you didn't look down at the ticker on the broadcast.
Ozzy Trapilo (OT)
There's been two Ozzie's in the NFL, but never an Ozzy. but the Bears are hoping there will be no more tears for fans watching the offensive line and that Ozzy can be the iron man in the making to add to their offseason trench splashes. Maybe this is just a crazy train of thought, but I could see them actually figuring out the offensive line this year. Just like I did last year. Because like everyone else - I don't know shit about fuck.
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Isaac TeSlaa (WR)
Just a fantastic wide receiver name for the Lions new weapon. Ran a 4.43 40 but just wait until he puts it in Ludicrous mode.
Walter Nolan (DT)
Walters need to make a comeback. Yes - it's an old persons name, but these things circle back around and Walter Payton is as timeless a name as you can think of when it comes to the NFL. So it's nice to see a Walter come back around. Except - to my surprise, there have been a few of them in recent years. Not a crazy amount, but more than I'd have thought:
Woody Marks (RB)
I don't want to judge but… does Cheah eat trees?
15 "Jr."s were drafted this year
What is going on here? I show just 46 total NFL players in my data whose name includes a "Jr." prior to this draft. That's ever. We just added a third of the total Jr. population in one draft. We got guys like Odell Beckham, Orlando Brown, Michael Pittman, Joey Porter, Ted Ginn, Asante Samuel… ah hell with it, here they all are too. Rookies in blue.
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The astute graph knower will notice we bookend this age chronological Jr. graph with Harolds. That's where this all started back in the day. But it sure doesn't seem to be anywhere near ending. Tedd Ginn starts the hockey stick inflection point and I'm not an economist but I think this pretty much answers via spurious correlation how inflation got so bad. Things were just fine in the 70s and and 80s. Then we, as a nation, let Jr.'s play in the NFL. How did Friedman or Sowell not see this?
One last thing to point out from the graph. Seriously Willie Gay? You're just gonna line up chronologically by birth date right above Troy Pride like that? Stop being so juvenile, guys.
Alright - one final name inquiry here for this year. We have a new edition to the Law Firm partners club:
Jacory Croskey-Merritt (RB)
What is it with running backs who sound like they cost $500 an hour not including retainer? BenJarvus Green-Ellis is the natural comp here for the Commanders new ambulance chaser which leads to my rank of most law firm sounding names in NFL history:
Honorable mention:
Harold Jones-Quartey (enough of the Harold's already)
Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala (I would hire this Ma'afala)
The thing is - you cant have a first name that sounds like a first name. That Ma'afala would have won running away otherwise.
7. Kapron Lewis-Moore
6. Laurent Duvernay-Tardif
5. Stantley Thomas-Oliver
4. Norbert Davidds-Garrido
3. Yannick Cudjoe-Virgil
2. BenJarvus Green-Ellis
1. Jackson Powers-Johnson
I don't care what you say. Jackson Powers-Johnson clients aren't losing a case. This concludes my draft evaluation for this year.