Watch: Steven Seagal Is Gunning To Become The Fattest Man On Planet Earth, Has Possibly Already Eaten Vladimir Putin In Mother Russia
Right off the bat lemme just say, I don't intend to fat shame with that headline. Journalistically though, I'm not sure what other conclusion you can draw seeing those clips. There could be a sort of Space Jam situation going on where every pound that Frank The Tank is losing somehow siphons directly into Seagal's International gullet.
But credit where credit is due, calorie surplus be damned, he can still SHAKE THAT THANG!
I would say it's sad to see someone with so much potential disintegrate in front of our very eyes... But thankfully in this case, Steven Seagal is a spectacular piece of shit/human garbage. So I feel like anything goes here, pending any possible KGB threats.
Mating dances aside though, I'm pretty confident Seagal could barely pull off 1% of these moves today. Not worried about it! I'm not worried about any of this.
Whew boy 1988 was a LONG time ago. And Seagal cozying up in St. Petersburg is nothing new, he's actually been a Russian plant/citizen since 2016 AND been their Russian Federation chief instructor of aikido martial arts since 2018. Sick moves brother!
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However it is unknown if he was allowed to bring his Jamaican accent through customs too. Probably for the best.
Which reminds me, did anyone used to watch his shitty reality show in the early 2010s? You know, the one where he's a deputized police officer assisting a Louisiana precinct? He has a Jedi ability he uses called "Seagal Vision" that's used with a 100% success rate to capture evil doers ahead of their crime? No, just me? Fair.
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Truly one of the worst TV programs to ever be created but it did do the trick for college pregames. Haven't seen that intro in forever and it's even worse than I remember. Simply incredible #content. Straight outta the fake previews in Tropic Thunder. Except so very real.
Actually pretty amazing to realize his life has sucked since way back in the 2000s, maybe he deserved all those extra Turkish Delights since then. Either way, I won't be holding my breath for any new action movies from him. And that's okay!
This Mad TV clip will do just fine to represent him moving forward. It's how we should remember him anyway. Slightly less fat, but still a substantial prick. But not yet supporting dickhead dictators. Simpler times. Back when he still ah wanted da poonani.
PS: I just binged Tom Segura's new Netflix sketch show 'Bad Thoughts' and it was a fun ride. Some great demented bits in there and also a Steven Seagal skit that's A+ stuff. Throw it on next time you need a laugh. No pilot stuff though.