Amazon Ringing My Apartment Buzzer At 4am For A Normal Delivery Was Legitimately Stunning

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The title of this blog is not hyperbole or exaggeration. In fact, "stunning" is an undersell of how I felt when I was woken up this morning at 4am…actually it was 3:48am but 4am is cleaner. I was in La La Land, dreaming of rolled up aces over kings, check-raising stupid tourists and taking huge pots off of them. And then next thing I knew my apartment buzzer started ringing, a sound that I can only describe as annoying as Chris Klemmer when he's in a loser argument. I checked my phone and saw 3:48am and thought there must be an emergency. The police must be at the door because someone must be dead and I'm their emergency contact. Gay Pat, probably, if I had to guess. 

So I hopped out of bed and walked over to my camera/buzzer thing that lets you see who is trying to get in and I see someone in their reflective vest. I said "no way" out loud. Just…no way is someone trying to deliver a package at this moment. I also had the thought that I was lucid dreaming and this wasn't real. Dead honest- it didn't even seem plausible to me this was an Amazon delivery. You can't just ring a buzzer at 3:48am. Clearly it was someone trying to break into the building. You know how you get emails or spam texts asking for personal information and they are disguised SO WELL that people end up giving it to them? Like how Hank fell for the EZ-Pass scam and Rone recently fell for a Twitter scam. Well I, in all my tiredness, decided that is what was happening. Can't catch ol' Barstool Nate off his game, I don't care what time it is. Ain't fooling me. So I walked back to my bed (yeah I have a 1BR apartment in NYC, nbd) and then MY PHONE STARTING TO RING.

Obviously I didn't pick up the phone, but they left a message:

The transcription is wrong, he said "Amazon delivery first attempt". Bro, it's 3:50 in the morning. What is…what is happening here?! Let me be clear, I'm not mad at the delivery man. He's just doing his job. I'm mad at Bezos. Why does he have these guys ringing doorbells at 3:48 in the morning? Why is protocol to call at 3:50?!?! We have strayed so far from the teachings of Christ if this is what we're doing now.

So back to bed I went. And then at 4:44am…the buzzer starts going bananas again. Bro came back. Stunning. So this time I got out of bed and let him in. Now usually they leave our packages down in the lobby. But not today! This man was on a mission to get me my pack of Amazon sunglasses, a pack of Oral-B Pro Health CrossAction All in One Soft Toothbrushes, and NyQuil. 

So he rode the elevator up to my floor, and then rang my apartment's doorbell just for good measure. Mind you, it's 4:44am. And he's ringing my apartment doorbell after I have already let him up. Could not be less necessary at all. Honestly now I hate this guy now that I think about it. There is no reason to ring the doorbell after already buzzing in. But I also can't blame him. If Bezos has him doing this at ungodly hours, he has every right to be a prick I suppose. Chain of anger or what have you.

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I did a quick Twitter search and it seems like this is becoming more common and nobody seems to know why. I know for CERTAIN I didn't click any box that said deliver at 4am. That would be my "how would we know you're being held captive" thing. The second I voluntarily wake up at 4am to get a $14 pair of sunglasses is the day I die. 

So hey Amazon, just chill out man. I appreciate the hustle but there's gotta be a line. It's not like we are in Florida and we need these packages before it's 110 degrees outside. Or let me make a note in my Amazon profile "DO NOT RING BELL AT 4AM PLEASE".

And as for all you folks with babies and dogs, I'm praying for ya. Hopefully this doesn't happen to you.