Through The Looking Glass
How to describe my first few days at Barstool Sports. We’ll start with the text. A few weeks ago I got a message from Big Cat that I should fly up to play in a 3 on 3 basketball tournament sponsored by State Farm with a grand prize of FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. An objectively absurd text in and of itself, but one that set my heart racing. Like Alice, I decided to jump down the sponsored basketball shaped rabbit hole and see how far down it goes.
A couple weeks later I arrive at the office, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Wearing what I believed to be my best fit, I hopped out the uber and looked at my new home. Barstool Chicago. The Mecca. The Pirate Ship. Big Cat’s Fantasy Factory. As I walked through the doors I wasn’t sure where I belonged, where do I sit, what do I do, who do I talk to? I decided the gambling cave looked comfortable enough, so I plopped down, opened up the laptop, and began to write. As I was getting into a flow, none other than Brandon Fucking Walker came sauntering through the door. I knew this was my chance, I had to do something funny, after all, we will be talking a LOT of College Football with one another. Earlier, I had noticed in the parking lot upon arriving that there was a Jeep with a gaggle of rubber ducks lining the dash. A practice that I believe to be gaudy, tacky, and kitschy. I marvel at the fact that there are adults who trade rubber ducks with one another to proudly display in their car. I expressed these sentiments to BFW believing that we would bond over such a ridiculous exercise only to find that the Jeep in question was indeed Brandon Fucking Walker’s. Alas, strike one. (As you'll see below, things are going much better now)
Not too long thereafter we were told to put on basketball uniforms and prepare for a combine. Soon, all thirty two contestants were gathered on the bleachers, lights, production, and cameras EVERYWHERE. What a fascinating group we made, 32 people who all believe they are or should be the main character. I sat there nervously fidgeting surrounded by strangers that I’ve had varying degrees of parasocial relationships with, and knew I had to make my mark. How could I find a way to be the attention whore I was born to be, and like a lightning bolt it hit me. Full Middle Split. I’ve always had greasy hips, and everyone loves a big man who can go nuts to the floor. Its a party trick that has served me well in the past and wouldn’t you know, it was a big winner once again.
BOOM- Win number one.
What followed over the next few days was a whirlwind. I filmed a full on reality show, with twists and turns, backroom deals, confessionals and everything else that makes for good trash TV. After it wrapped, the All American Rejects showed up at the office and played a private show. At one point, I ran downstairs to grab something, only to find Bert Kreischer shirtless and shooting Two Bears vodka with Katic and Oldie (two of my new main character friends). So I did what any self respecting 36 year old father of three would do and doffed my top to join in the Big Boys Club Shot train. At one point I told Megan Makin Money, a good friend from my time in Louisiana, “Man, I’m tired, its been a helluva week.” To which she very accurately pointed out, “Its only been two days.” Through the looking glass indeed.
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Like Alice I look forward to continuing my adventures, to seeing where the white rabbit will eventually lead. I look forward to you getting to see the rest of the Barstool Basketball Association drama, its fantastic. I look forward to being a part of such a creative enterprise, no idea is too crazy here. Even now as I write this Megan Makin Money is seated beside me cutting and gluing multiple pictures of boobs for an adult science fair while Big Cat, PFT and Hank run around in giant fruit costumes. As I ponder how far the rabbit hole goes, I will leave you with one of my favorite poems from the legend Shel Silverstein…
Alice
She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME
And up she grew so tall,
She ate from a plate called TASTE ME
And down she shrank so small.
And so she changed, while other folks
Never tried nothin’ at all.