Normalize Gaslighting Your Friends Into Going Out on a Wednesday

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You know what? Fuck it. I’m trying to drink tonight, and I’m gaslighting the boys into joining. Why not? What else are we going to do, sit around and play Xbox for the fifth night in a row? Everyone thinks gaslighting is toxic. I think it’s a misunderstood sales tactic. The whole point of sales is to close the deal. And if I have to gaslight a little to get the deal done? So be it.

It really doesn’t take much. Just one simple text, “Anyone tryna grab a beer? Nothing crazy.” That’s it. That’s the spark. Plant the seed. The moment they read it, the idea of a beer starts creeping into their subconscious. Let it marinate. Let it settle into their brains like the foam on top of a freshly poured pint.

Then, once the idea is simmering, you lie. Boldly. Tell them someone else is already in. “Yo, Jack said he’s down.” Boom, social pressure. Now they don’t want to be left out. Follow it up with my favorite go to lie of all time, “I know the bartender there, she’ll take care of us.” Works every time. Doesn’t even matter if it’s true. It’s like chumming the water. The brain dead fish swim straight in, no hesitation. But the smart fish? That’s where the art comes in.

For the stubborn ones, you belittle whatever weak excuse they throw at you. “You have work tomorrow? Oh no, what time? Nine? Damn, that’s crazy. Meanwhile, there are guys waking up at 5 a.m. to lay pipes in the freezing cold and they’ll still be at the bar tonight.” And you can’t come because you have to make a PowerPoint at 10 a.m.? Grow up. Pussy.

So yeah, I really don’t see the issue with gaslighting your friends into making bad decisions with you. It’s not like I’m some evil mastermind. They do it to me all the time. And guess what? It works. So why shouldn't I return the favor?

At the end of the day, gaslight your way through life, you’ll be just fine.