PSA: Don't List Anything For Free On Facebook Marketplace

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I’ve made a horrible mistake. Like, absolute fucking dumbass type of mistake. I’m in the middle of moving out of my old place, and as usual, I waited until the last possible second to deal with the worst part of the move, getting rid of my obnoxiously big bed. This thing is heavy, awkward, and entirely too large for a normal human being to carry alone. But instead of being responsible and calling movers or arranging something ahead of time, I decided to “save a couple bucks” by listing it on Facebook Marketplace for free. Biggest mistake of my life. 

I figured I’d get a few messages. Maybe a couple of decent dudes named Jimmy or Joe who’d know how to take apart a bed frame and carry it down a few flights of stairs without much drama. I couldn’t have been more wrong. What I got instead was total chaos. In less than four hours, I had over a hundred messages flooding my phone. I couldn’t tell who was real and who was a bot. And I mean that literally, at one point, someone from Pakistan asked if they could swing by to pick up my bed. In Chicago. Like… what the fuck is going on?

My phone was buzzing nonstop with names I’ve never seen in my life, Nini, Lumar, Hood, Sanna, Speciale, Mickelcrosslangston, Fto, the list goes on. It was like being dropped into the middle of a weird spam group chat from the underworld of Facebook. And even the people who looked normal were anything but. I had one guy type “perfect” as “perf3ct” and another ask if he could fit a king size bed into a Toyota Corolla. It was fucking insane. I tried to keep up, I really did. But every time I replied to someone, five more messages came in. It was a never ending cycle of fuck my life.

Eventually, I hit my breaking point. I deleted the app, said “screw the savings,” and hired a guy off TaskRabbit for $200 to haul it away. Best money I’ve ever spent.

So, if you can take one thing away from your local dumbass here, it’s this,  never post anything for free on Facebook Marketplace. Especially a bed. Especially last minute. Just pay the money and spare yourself the digital nightmare.