The Top 5 Winners and Top 5 Losers From Yesterday's Barstool NYC vs Team KMS Basketball Game
Yesterday was the rubber match in the basketball rivalry of your lifetime: Team Barstool NYC vs Team KMS. As you know, Barstool won game 1, setting up a rematch for game 2 where KMS had an unbelievable comeback victory, setting up the tie-breaking 3rd game which was played last night. In front of a sold out crowd of dozens in Berlin, Connecticut, team Barstool beat team KMS, putting an end to this chapter of basketball that will be written about in history books until the sun swallows the Earth and ends humanity as we know it. But who were the winners and losers coming out of last night's game? Let's take a look:
WINNERS
1) Meek Phil
Meek the Freak was instilled as the head coach of Team NYC after that bony praying mantis looking asshole Chris Klemmer couldn't coach his way out of a plastic bag during the game 2 loss. With all the pressure in the world on his shoulders, Meek put on a coaching clinic for the ages last night. He ran the "get the ball to Dana in the low post" play with such conviction team KMS couldn't do anything but marvel at the X's and O's masterclass from Meek. And he had to do it all while his counterpart in the coaching room, Dave, couldn't make it to the game due to complete indifference a horrifying mold problem in one of his mansions. With everything stacked against him, Meek prevailed and cemented himself as a coaching legend that Dr. James Naismith himself would be proud of.
2) Snapchat Steve
Kirk beat the shit out of Snapchat Steve to the point I thought we were going to see Steve go full Dudley Boy and put him through a table. But Steve did the opposite- just kept getting up and playing defense on KMS' best player, Matt from Providence. With welts growing out of his skull due to nonstop forearm shivers and a growing case of CTE, Steve was still able to play lockdown D and keep his cool, never retaliating against Kirk's gruesome attacks. Very impressive performance from the king of Snapchat.
3) Dana Beers
After not playing in the previous games, Double Double Dana suited up yesterday in exchange for Kirk being allowed to have his pick of refs. And that was a trade Kirk lost, because the refs were WAY more down the middle than anyone thought they'd be, and Dana Beers showed why he averaged 12 and 10 in high school. Team KMS had no answer for Dana having a low-post move. If DB didn't play, I think KMS wins the game. But with Dana, Barstool was able to keep feeding him, something he's very used to. MVP performance from ol' Beersy.
4) Rico Bosco
Bosco took last game's loss personally and vowed to not let it happen again. He got in the gym, lost like 25 pounds, and showed up last night in the best shape of his life. It resulted in him maybe scoring like 2 points but man he was moving out there! He did play decent defense, all jokes aside. And in typical Rico fashion, he held the W for all of 30 seconds before the internet killed him…for parking in the handicapped spot.
5) Kirk Minihane
The straw that stirs the drink. Shoving the ref and tossing his whistle into the 12th row is why we watch, folks.
While I think treat Steve's head like a bongo was a little over the line, there's no denying that Kirk's brand of basketball moves the needle. You aren't watching to see fundamentals, you're watching to see if Kirk swings on someone, or vice versa. Plus, when you think about it, he's one of the only people out there actually playing the game how it was intended.
#ThankYouKirk
LOSERS
1) Mick
This guy Mick. Man. He played 2 minutes and tried to start a fight but he did not expect the ref to carry him away like a sack of flour off the supermarket shelf. If I'm Mick I'm trying to turn this into a win, aka "it's all anyone is talking about today!" which I suppose is true…but it's because a ref carried him like a baby. Sometimes an L is simply just an L, and that's what this is. But I will say, in his defense, I'm cracking up while typing this because I can't believe it happened. You just never want to be the guy the ref picks up and carries away. Tough one.
2) Klemmer
Chris Klemmer knows the same amount about basketball as I know about the female orgasm, 0% and it's probably all made up anyway. So after leaving team NYC after an embarrassing loss last month, Klemmer glommed onto the KMS team as a GM, where he proceeded to once again lose in humiliating fashion. And let me make that clear- Team KMS didn't lose in humiliating fashion, Chris Klemmer lost in humiliating fashion.
3) Ryan Whitney
This one is pretty funny. I'm fairly sure Whitney only signed up to be a part of this content because Dave was involved, and then Dave could not have been less interested and Whitney was left holding his dick wondering why he was wearing a suit in a high school gym attempting to coach a bunch of fat 45 year olds while internet commenters yelled slurs at him about his weak ankles. A very "how did I get here???" moment for Whit.
4) Pat and Mut
Just unreal. Pat blew out his ACL and Mut got hit by a fucking car, both while training for this game. Pat won't be able to walk properly for a year because he was working on his jump shot in a game where the shooting percentage resembles the BAC of the person who ran Mut over. And as the tweet reads, the only reason this game was every really greenlit to begin with is because Dave got involved, and then he never showed a single second of interest in the entire thing lol. Just brutally bad luck for the both of them.
5) Ted Sellers
Honestly, I just needed a 5th loser and the video of Rico parking in the handicapped space is so funny to me that I just slotted Sellers in here. In case you don't know why it's so funny, this could be a big reveal for you- Our boy is in a wheelchair…
and Rico took his parking spot. So not only did team KMS lose, but Ted had to park in the parking lot down the road.
All in all, it was a very entertaining trilogy of games. There are now rumblings of a Team NYC+KMS vs Barstool Chicago game in the works, so we'll see if that happens. Honestly if Chicago gets to use Titus, the line would be like, Chicago -34. NYC could barely beat a team that gave Coleman minutes, I'm not sure they have much hope in a game with a guy who played at Ohio State. (I know it's easy to joke and say he "played" at Ohio State but I mean still, being a walk-on at a D1 school is still nothing to poo-poo). Maybe NYC gets Pat Bev? We shall see.