My 4 Predictions For The Barstool Beach House

The wait is officially over. Barstool Beach House Week is finally here, and I am absolutely fired up. I’ll be real, I’ve been flip flopping between excitement and panic attacks for weeks, but now that I can feel the anxiety of trying to make it to the airport on time, it’s full send. No looking back. Whatever happens, happens. For better or worse, this show is gonna be something. Might be a mess, might be magic, but it’s definitely not gonna be boring.

If there’s one thing I can promise, it’s that this cast will be at each other’s throats by day two. We couldn’t even make it through a 20 minute Zoom meeting without multiple people losing it on each other. Which, in my eyes, is exactly what you want. Chaos is the fuel. Drama is the brand.

I’ve got a decent idea of what to expect, but I also have some predictions, some I hope don’t come true, but deep down, I know they probably will.

Prediction #1: Someone quits or gets kicked off within the first week.

Everyone on this show is used to being on camera, but there’s a huge difference between recording a podcast and having a cameraman watch you eat breakfast in your boxers. Someone like Meek Phil waiting outside your door, waiting to post whatever he finds onto the internet for everyone to see. There’s no privacy. Your highs and your rock bottom, all your worst moments are fair game. That’s enough to make someone snap. Add in the potential for fights or someone getting arrested for some dumb shit, and yeah, I wouldn’t be shocked if we lose someone early. Contracts say don’t fight and don’t get arrested. History says… good luck. Plus besides Dante we're all young and if reality TV has taught us anything, shit always seems to happen even if you don't want it to.

Prediction #2: Me and Annika either come out stronger or never speak again.

Obviously one of the major storylines of this show is the fact me and Annika used to date. And now they are putting us in a house together, stocked with alcohol, at the Jersey Shore. That’s not just reality TV, that’s a psychological warfare. It’s either a complete disaster or the ultimate “maybe we still care about each other” test. If I had to put money on it, we’ll probably leave with each other blocked on everything and I'll be looking up flights back to Florida by day 2, but hey, miracles happen.

Prediction #3: The girls will fight way more than the guys.

Not even a hot take. It’s science. Women talk shit better and fight dirtier, especially with alcohol involved. The whispers and allegations will turn into confrontations, and it’ll only be a matter of time before someone snaps. I’m just gonna be chillin in the background with my popcorn watching it all unfold.

Prediction #4: Multiple people will hook up.

I don’t know who, I don’t know when, but someone’s gonna break. Every girl has already done the performative “ew, I’d never hook up with any of these guys” bit. That’s always how it starts. But once the lights are dim and the BAC is high? All bets are off. No way this house stays celibate. Someone’s ending up in someone else’s bed, it’s just a matter of time. 

Let the games begin.