Vladimir Putin is in The United States, Reminder That His Bodyguards Carry Around a Suitcase Full of His Own Shit

BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI. Getty Images.

The Express – Vladimir Putin's bodyguards collect his poo and bring it back to Russiawhen the leader travels abroad, according to bombshell claims. The Russian president is meeting Donald Trump for peace talks regarding the war in Ukraine on Friday.

The two world leaders will meet in Alaska, and there will be strict security measures in place to protect Putin. He will be surrounded by bodyguards on his visit and a number of steps will be taken to protect him and Russian intel.

According to a report by two veteran investigative journalists in the French publication Paris Match, members of the Russian president’s Federal Protection Service (FPS) will be responsible for collecting his human waste, including his faeces, when he travels abroad.

This is one of my favorite stories that comes out of Russia about once a year. That Vladimir Putin is so paranoid about the possibility of another country getting hands on any possible Russian intel, that he has his bodyguards collect his shit and bring it back to Russia with them (in a suitcase). I was just reminded of that fact this afternoon. Which means today, U.S. President Donald Trump is meeting with a man who has a suitcase full of his own shit to discuss a crucial world matter. True sentence. Hopefully President Trump doesn't make the shit suitcase guy angry. Because shit suitcase guy has the nuclear codes. 

That actually might not be fair. We can't know for sure if Putin has had a bowel movement yet. Putin's plane only landed a little while ago, and I'm unclear on whether or not Putin's plane shits get put into the suitcase, or if Putin's plane is a safe place for him to leave his shit (even if it's parked in America). So it's possible that our President is just meeting a crazy dictator with an empty suitcase. But make no mistake about it… at some point today… that suitcase will be full of human shit. 

If I were President Trump, I'd have to know which scary Russian bodyguard is responsible for packaging and carrying around the suitcase. Honestly, that would make for the perfect Donald Trump moment. As soon as Putin and his people walk through the door, Trump looks at the bodyguards and cracks a, "So which one of your is the shit guy?" joke. Donald, if you're reading this, that would be great way to establish dominance right out the gate. 

Or maybe not… If Trump said that, Putin would just counter with, "Oh, I'm sorry, Donald? You don't have a shit collector? Can't convince any of your people to do it for you? That's too bad."

Guarantee within 5 minutes, Trump hires somebody straight off the set of Fox News. He'll give him some important sounding title, but the minute Sean Hannity reports to The White House, J.D. Vance shoves a briefcase in his chest and says, "You're the shit guy now."

I do have some additional questions about Putin's shit briefcase, as well:

• Do Putin's bodyguards vacuum-seal his shits before they go into the suitcase so they don't smell? Is the suitcase itself a special air-tight suitcase designed to carry human shit? Or does that thing stink from a mile a way?
  
  
• When they all get back to Russia, is the bodyguard responsible for washing out the suitcase so it can be used again, or does the whole suitcase just get tossed into the incinerator?
  
  
• Has Putin ever accidentally flushed, then forced a bodyguard to go down into the sewers to retrieve his shit?
  
  
• What happens if Russia's plane gets halfway home and they realize they left a compromising bowel movement back at the hotel? Do they turn around to get it? Does the security guard who dropped the ball get to live? Or is he thrown out of the airplane on the spot?
  
  
• Most importantly, if America get their hands on Putin's shit suitcase, what can we learn from it? What secrets do Vladimir Putin's shits hold? Do we analyze them in hopes of gaining important Russian intel? Or do we hold onto the suitcase to use it as bargaining chip in the even Russia ever imprisons Angel Reese? Oh my god… imagine that story. We traded "The Merchant of Death" for Brittney Griner, but for Angel Reese, we traded a suitcase full of shit That's one's free, Seth Rogan. Just in case you ever make a Russia-based sequel to 'The Interview'.

Good luck in your interview today, Mr. President. Let's get our hands on that suitcase.