Dave Portnoy's "One Bite Pizza Reviews" Are ALLEGEDLY "Full Of Secret, Esoteric Messaging About Rigged NBA and NFL Games, Horse Racing, and Sports Outcomes" According To This Expert
X- Lauren Balik - Dave Portnoy's One Bite Pizza Reviews are full of *secret, esoteric* messaging about rigged NBA games, NFL games, horse racing, sports outcomes.
Dave Portnoy likes to call pizzas floppy. Then, mysteriously, there's a flop or an injury at a big game!😲
"How's the pizza's undercarriage?"
"Check the undercarriage. Oh look, I'm seeing a flop."
"Wow, that parm packs a punch! The parm hit me with a 1-2 punch!"
He doesn't do this with all of his One Bite reviews.
Some of his reviews are under a 7 for the obviously bad places or over a 9 for the obviously good places but most are 7.-something or 8.-something.
Why is that?
It's all Kabbalah.
7 is perfection in the physical world
8 is simply divine
Why would you place a sports bet if you don't know The Rules and everything is rigged with Kabbalah?
One Bite
Everybody Knows the Rules
Dave Portnoy got into a real argument with a small business owner in a Star Wars shirt while Dave Portnoy was wearing a shirt about the pyramids in Egypt where the people of Moses were enslaved by Pharaoh. 🤣
I mean...for crying out loud.
The small business owner said he did not appreciate what Dave Portnoy does to small businesses.
Then, after Dave Portnoy left, the small business owner hung up "The Gospel" in the window of his business and he made sure to get his counter-meme about his "The Gospel" sign on the news.
Why is this? That's because The Gospel is the part of the New Testament about Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is not Kabbalah.
What? Don't be mad at me. Don't even try it. Don't be mad at me. I didn't do any of this. I don't make The Rules.
I know The Rules.
These are easy The Rules.
The Rules get harder and more difficult and more combinatorial the more you get away from this and into stocks and bonds and cryptography.
-You Take One Bite
-Then you Watch One Bite Pizza to See the Flops, the Parm, the Numerology, Other Memes Thrown In
-Then You Place Your Bets Based on the Secret, Esoteric Memes from Dave Portnoy
-Everybody Knows the Rules
-Literally Everybody Knows the Rules
What, you don't know The Rules?
Are you serious?
If you want to place sports bets you have to know The Rules.
Michael Lewis from The Big Short, Moneyball, Liar's Poker is doing a podcast series about sports betting right now.
It's called Against the Rules and it's about the dangers of sports betting.
One Bite
Everybody Knows the Rules
Michael Lewis?
Now Against the Rules, Apparently, According to His Podcast
People commit suicide because they take One Bite, Lose Everything, Because They Didn't Know the Rules
One Bite
Of the Apple
Everybody Knows the Rules
It's so bad they brought goats to Foxborough Stadium a few years ago and Tom Brady became the GOAT and then GOAT officially became the meme that means "good" not "bad" in sports lingo. "Goat" used to be bad in sports. Now, thanks to Robert Kraft and Kabbalah, GOAT means good.
These are The Rules.
What, you didn't know all this? Then why on Earth are you sports gambling?
Do not even start with me.
One Bite
Everybody Knows the Rules
Literally Everybody
What? You didn't know The Rules?
This is how sports gambling works.
The NBA is rigged with Kabbalah. So is the NFL. So is horse race gambling.
One Bite
Everybody Knows the Rules
And there it is...
Wow.
Just wow.
I feel like this is our Watergate, except for gambling, and the world will never be the same again. All thanks to framed-glass crusader Lauren Balik.
I had to make sure to include ALLEGEDLY in the title of this blog so I don't get hit with a lawsuit. (Barstool in-house counsel "Legal Paul" hates my guts and can't wait to pounce on me.)
But when claims this bombastic drop, it's my journalistic duty to shine light on them. Even if it is my friend of 20 years, and the man who provides us all with health insurance that would make a congressman green with envy, in the crosshairs.
I'm not going to lie. I was alerted to this tweet by Gaz. Which usually means two things. 1- You're being set up and entrapped. Or 2- you need to blog, post, etc., whatever it is. And I'm also not going to lie, that when I read the first part of that tweet- the part that was visible in the twitter box- I thought I was dealing with the female version of Steve Spiros. You know, the easy-going guy from Humberside?
But then I opened up Lauren's full tweet, and read the whole thing. And boy am I glad I did.
Because I am happy to share, that it appears we have ALLEGEDLY, finally, finally, FINALLY gotten to the bottom of why Tom Brady is immortal, why Vegas knows the line before you do, and why a random slice joint in Hoboken got a 7.8 and then the Eagles mysteriously missed a field goal.
And it’s all thanks to brave digital archaeologist, Lauren Balik. Who just blew the lid off Portnoy’s rouse using nothing but screenshots, numerology, pizza vocabulary, and a working knowledge of medieval Jewish mysticism. AKA Kaballah.
Let’s begin with the foundational scripture of the Church of Barstool: “One Bite / Everybody Knows the Rules.” You thought that was just a dumb catchphrase. That’s adorable. According to Lauren’s research, that line is repeated, ritualized, embedded, branded, and memed for a reason.
She explains that people are literally losing money and worse- commit suicide.
People commit suicide because they take One Bite, Lose Everything, Because They Didn't Know the Rules
One Bite
Of the Apple
Everybody Knows the Rules
And if you say, “Wait, that sounds like maybe we’re escalating a little fast from pizza to mass tragedy,” well congratulations- you’re not spiritually awake yet. You’re still thinking toppings. Lauren is thinking topology.
Exhibit A- the “flop.”
Advertisement
You’ve all seen Dave do this. He holds the slice out like he’s presenting Simba to the animal kingdom, and he says things like, “Look at that flop.”
Most of you sheep think he’s talking about crust structure.
Wrong.
Lauren has decoded that moments like this are what are called predictive programming. She claims that when Dave says a slice is floppy, he’s secretly messaging/forecasting a “flop” in sports.
We’re talking injuries, or egregious blown coverage. Some tight end going down on the first drive and ruining your fantasy week.
Capiche?
The slice droops, then ACLs snap, and you’re like, “How the fuck did Vegas know?”
Vegas knew because Dave knew. Dave knew because of the flop. The flop knew because of Kabbalah. This is all very straightforward. I don't know how none of us connected these dots before Lauren so bravely pointed it all out.
He’s showing us all the shadow script. This is illuminati-type shit.
When he says “good undercarriage,” that’s code for “hammer the over.”
When he says “a little soggy underneath,” that is elite gambling intelligence for “quarterback controversy incoming.” I will never forgive myself for not understanding this all sooner.
Laugh all you want, but if you can't take what happened in the NBA last week, see what's happened with some of the insanely shady NFL calls this season and last, and connect the dots that Lauren has so vividly pointed out- you have rocks in your head.
There is a whole section of Lauren’s thread that might be the Rosetta Stone of Western civilization.
"Wow, that parm packs a punch! The parm hit me with a 1-2 punch!"
He doesn't do this with all of his One Bite reviews.
She cites Dave saying things like “the parm hit me with a 1-2 punch” and she presents this not as a pizza expert talking about cheese, but as one of the most sophisticated embedded betting alerts in modern media. The “1-2 punch,” in her reading, means- expect a one-two sequence. An injury followed by a narrative push. Like a fumble that you think might have gone your way, followed by a pick six. A bad beat followed by the announcers saying “you just can’t script this.”
Oh, but you can, my friend. Because The Nose already did. With parm.
Let’s talk numbers, because that’s where this goes from “unsettling” to “call the Hague.”
Some of his reviews are under a 7 for the obviously bad places or over a 9 for the obviously good places but most are 7.-something or 8.-something.
Why is that?
It's all Kabbalah.
7 is perfection in the physical world
8 is simply divine
Why would you place a sports bet if you don't know The Rules and everything is rigged with Kabbalah?
One Bite
Everybody Knows the Rules
Lauren notes that Dave’s scores almost always revolve around the 7s and 8s, sometimes 7.8, 7.9, 8.1, 8.3, and she argues that this isn’t taste. Rather, that this is "ceremony".
She argues there is a Kabbalistic significance in the digits, where 7 represents physical completeness and 8 represents higher divine order.
Duh.
It was all right there hiding in plain sight this entire time.
When Dave casually says “7.8,” what you think you heard was “pretty decent slice.”
What actually happened is he just invoked the union of flesh and God to make sure the Patriots cover.
You said “ha, kind of high score for somewhere with paper plates.” Lauren however is poining out, “that is a ritual seal.”
Stay with me here.
And I know what you're thinking. Because I wanted to know too. "What about the whole thing with the Dragon Pizza guy?"
Advertisement
This is where it gets scary. Lauren walks through how Dave was wearing a shirt with pyramids. Hmmm interesting fashion choice for what she alleges he knew would become his biggest pizza review video to date. She treats that like wardrobe, costume, and liturgy all at once.
Dave Portnoy got into a real argument with a small business owner in a Star Wars shirt while Dave Portnoy was wearing a shirt about the pyramids in Egypt where the people of Moses were enslaved by Pharaoh. 🤣
I mean…for crying out loud.
The small business owner said he did not appreciate what Dave Portnoy does to small businesses.
Then, after Dave Portnoy left, the small business owner hung up "The Gospel" in the window of his business and he made sure to get his counter-meme about his "The Gospel" sign on the news.
Why is this? That's because The Gospel is the part of the New Testament about Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is not Kabbalah.
What? Don't be mad at me. Don't even try it. Don't be mad at me. I didn't do any of this. I don't make The Rules.
I know The Rules.
These are easy The Rules.
The Rules get harder and more difficult and more combinatorial the more you get away from this and into stocks and bonds and cryptography.
For crying out loud is right Macguyver!
The proof is right there for all to see.
You thought he just grabbed whatever was clean from a merch pile?
She says no, these are “clues” amigo.
Intentional visual sigils layered into the broadcast to signal the play before the play.
Pyramids equal dynasty.
Gospel equals conversion narrative.
Star Wars equals “the empire always wins.” So after this altercation, went down, is it any surprise that the Chiefs covered easily that Sunday?
She even connects Tom Brady to this. Thomas Edward Brady. The man, the myth, the seven-ring animatronic. The thread basically argues that Brady didn’t just become the GOAT. He was installed as the GOAT via controlled messaging, karmic numerology, and repeated exposure to One Bite code.
It's so bad they brought goats to Foxborough Stadium a few years ago and Tom Brady became the GOAT and then GOAT officially became the meme that means "good" not "bad" in sports lingo. "Goat" used to be bad in sports. Now, thanks to Robert Kraft and Kabbalah, GOAT means good.
These are The Rules.
Turns out we didn’t actually witness greatness. We witnessed a content-enabled ritual ascension event. (But to be fair, if anyone was going to literally manifest a 28-3 comeback using the power of Dave's pizza reviews, it would be Brady.)
Lauren really goes doctoral thesis mode when she cites the "media framing", like Michael Lewis, “Against the Rules,” and the language of fairness in markets, and then she drops it like it’s obvious that pizza reviews are actually a dark market of signaling.
What, you don't know The Rules?
Are you serious?
If you want to place sports bets you have to know The Rules.
Michael Lewis from The Big Short, Moneyball, Liar's Poker is doing a podcast series about sports betting right now.
It's called Against the Rules and it's about the dangers of sports betting.
One Bite
Everybody Knows the Rules
Michael Lewis?
Now Against the Rules, Apparently, According to His Podcast
People commit suicide because they take One Bite, Lose Everything, Because They Didn't Know the Rules
This is basically Silicon Valley meets Vegas meets Rome.
She’s tying together libertarian gambling culture, “everybody knows the rules,” and a branded media empire that functions like an oracle for people who “lost everything.” You read all that and go “this is a touch dramatic.” But also, deep down, you fucking know there’s a tiny part of you wondering, “Wait, what if CNBC and Cramer are just a worse version of Dave eating crust on a sidewalk?”
Advertisement
People laughed and called me crazy when I asked Dave if he had been approached by The Illuminati yet.
Well now that Lauren blew this thing up last night, who's laughing now?
She didn’t just simply “make a thread on Twitter.” She detonated 100+ years of Las Vegas gambling doctrine.
Terry Rozier. Chauncey Billups. Lauren Balik.
It always happens in 3s.
Speaking of 3s, and the mystic symbolism, do you think it's a coincidence that the book ("Cancel Me If You Can", available June 30th from Gallery Books), which he had Francis (noted Skull & Bones member) ghostwrite for him, is being sold for $33?
But back to Lauren and her whistle-blowing.
Within the same week that our white knight, Kash Pate,l came to the rescue and took down the evil sex trafficking pedolphile ring linked to Jeffrey Epstein , prop betting and underground poker ring, another hero, who was seemingly unknown, emerged to tell us not to be distracted.
She reverse-engineered the betting-industrial complex using nothing more than Pres saying “pretty good undercarriage” outside a strip mall next to a nail salon. She then mapped out flop energy, parm numerology, GOAT anointment ceremonies, “One Bite/Everybody Knows the Rules,” and she even warned that “people commit suicide because they took One Bite and lost everything,” I dare you to watch your next pizza review knowing all of this esoteric knowledge she imparted upon us now and think, “lol Dave said 7.4, that’s high for Detroit.”
The haters are going to act like she’s crazy because that’s what the system does when you crack it. But we critical thinkers know. We saw the crust and we heard the code. Thank you for your courage, Lauren.
p.s. - I have a call, then hopefully an interview, scheduled this morning with Lauren. This story is developing…
p.p.s. - this guy apparently has been all over this, AND connecting it to the WWE, since 2020. It appears I'm starting down a rabbit hole that may come out on the other side of the ice wall…